120 Things

1. I don’t really like people in general as much as I put on.
2. I hate my job more for its lack of purpose than I do for its politics and drama
3. I really hate Greenville and feel like I’ve regressed 10 years since living here
4. I’m afraid of driving extremely long distances alone
5. I’m afraid to move too far away from “home” for lack of a support system
6. I’m just going through the motions in graduate school because I feel like I need the degree, but I’m not necessarily passionate about working on it.
7. I get cold and hot flashes and I’m only 22
8. I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing worth while thus far in life. Everything I’ve done was “expected”
9. I never step too far out of my comfort zone for fear of failure
10. I’m SCARED to death of failing at anything
11. Sometimes really bad thunder storms scare me…if I’m alone
12. I find I like being alone more than I like being around large groups of people
13. I often make things more difficult than they should be because I’m stubborn
14. I try to eat as healthy as I can, but sometimes it frustrates me to even try
15. I often use food and alcohol as an emotional pain relief
16. I confide more in this blog than I do to actual people because I don’t think people really care to listen
17. I don’t really trust anyone 100%, not even my parents
18. I don’t really have one “best friend” but more like a close circle of friends where no one outshines the other one….two in particular I can always count on to be there when I need them most.
19. I’m judgmental at times, but so is everyone else, even if they don’t admit it.
20. I really don’t have a “plan” after I graduate.
21. Yes, I like rock music
22. I’m scared to be alone for too long
23. I’m hurt behind the fact that I never see my roommate anymore.
24. I’m more so angry at him for leaving because we have to get another roommate to replace him, not for the reason that he left. What he does with his life isn’t any of my business anyway.
25. I don’t feel smart….or as smart as people make me out to be
26. I don’t really believe people when they give me compliments
27. I sometimes feel obligated to do things for people I can’t stand just to get things out of them that I want
28.  I can be just as mean as I am nice, I just don’t openly show that side of myself as often
29. I’m extremely paranoid
30. I think I liked him for all of the wrong reasons
31. I seriously doubt my boss is anywhere near as busy as she claims.
32. I believe in GOD and the bible, but I don’t think of myself as ”religious”
33. I get jealous over stupid shit, but I try to hide it.
34. I really only lie about how i’m feeling to make certain situations not look so bad
35. I wish my mom wouldn’t build a shrine to me in her house or at her job
36. I hate reunions these days because I have nothing new to talk about
37. Although I’ve casually dated here and there in the past two years I really don’t think I have the sanity or tolerance for any sort of legitimate relationship
38. I hate bananas, but buy them with hopes of hiding them in other foods to get my iron up.
39. I have an “artistic” side, but rarely show it for fear of rejection
40. I don’t really think my boss fired my coworker because of budget cut backs
41. I’m shy only because I like to get a feel for people before revealing any part of myself to them
42. I don’t tend to shed light on my “secrets” even when people ask
43. I don’t like talking to my coworkers about my personal life because I feel like their judging me.
44. Every club I’ve been in, in college has been an obligation from a friend who wants to start it or maintain it.
45. I don’t miss college band nearly as much as I miss high school band
46. I never really liked that many people in college band aside from my group of friends
47. I think the vast majority of people who have lived in this town for a while are closet racists.
48. I think Obama will be a good president, but will be extremely underrated because of the economy and bitter McCain supporters
49. I sleep with a stuffed animal as a security blanket
50. I own a betta fish because I wanted to get a cat, but my apartment doesn’t allow furry animals
51. I never liked her because I believe she’s a manipulative person
52. I’m invited to two weddings this spring/summer and I really am less than thrilled to go because it just reminds me of how old I’m getting and how I’m no where close to getting married
53. I forced myself to befriend new people this year because my group of friends from last year split up.
54. I want to exercise more, but I’m afraid of being judged.
55. I really don’t like eating out, it just seems food always has to be involved for people to want to get together these days whenever there’s a gathering
56. I’m an only child and aside from attention my parents never bought me things that weren’t necessities. They just spoiled me with attention.
57. I have a feeling I might be legitimately sick, but I’m too lazy/afraid to go to the doctor
58. I’ve never had the urge to do drugs regardless of how great the high is
59. I think overly religious people are confused
60. I like having deep conversations, but not necessarily about myself
61. I feel like my lack of enthusiasm diminishes daily
62. I want to be a writer, but I don’t think any of my material is good enough to be published
63. I really only picked my Master’s program because of Joseph…I’m no where near as excited about it as he is/was.
64. I really don’t think my friends from different groups like each other as much as they put on
65. I rarely have nights where I sleep without waking up
66. I’m always tired
67. I sometimes wonder if I really make my parents proud
68. If you haven’t noticed from reading some of these, I’m not as happy as I need to be.
69. I regret a lot of things in my past
70. I’m not a confident public speaker
71. I’m an English major and I misspell, comma splice, dangle modifiers, write fragments and run-on sentences daily. I didn’t do well in grammar because I never went to class.
72. “text message” lingo through email or every day conversations annoy me–particularly from educated people.
73. I sometimes text message people because I don’t care to have a legitimate conversation with them
74. IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF when I take the time to write/call/text someone and they don’t acknowledge it.
75. I like listening to the rain, it soothes me
76. I feel like a put a lot into friendships and don’t always receive the same effort back in return (from some friends).
77. I think it is possible to really love someone without it being sexual.
78. I think my coworkers expectations of me are a little too high most of the time
79. I care more about times and deadlines than I do about quality and that’s bad
80. I make an effort to be on time to everything, unless it’s out of my control
81. I sometimes wish I could revert back to childhood, then maybe I’d appreciate how easy and stress-free life was back then
82. I really think being in this part of NC is killing my spirit
83. I believe everything happens for a reason and things are pre-determined
84. I’m not as innocent and pure as everyone may think
85. I swear like a sailor because I have a hard time expressing my frustrations in a respectable manner
86. I’ve been angry enough to punch a wall more times than I’m willing to admit, but I’ve yet to actually go forth with it yet
87. There has been a guy that I wouldn’t mind busting the windows out his car…
88. I understand a lot of things in life, but that doesn’t mean I accept it or believe in it
89. I’m often times misquoted and I don’t even put forth an effort to fix it
90. I don’t think I was any happier last year this time than I am now
91. I like befriending guys more than girls because their easier to talk to and don’t initially judge you as much
92. I don’t smile a lot because I always have about a million thoughts running through my head at a time
93. I’m honestly bored with my life right now
94. I like people like Dean because I see a lot of myself in him. He reminds me how to make lemonade out of lemons–in relation to life. He also gives me courage to write again.
95. I try not to write too many personal events concerning other people on my blog, but some days I could give a shit less and write it anyway
96. I think that entire situation messed up our friendship for life and I don’t care enough to fix it anymore.
97. I dread waking up every morning that I’m in Greenville
98. Yes, I think I lusted after him for the idea of it and not the substance or quality.
99. I don’t try nearly as hard as I could in school…I never have…and probably never will.
100. I find myself not giving a shit a lot even in times where I really should
101. I hate running into people that I know in stores because then I feel obligated to speak to them
102. ICU units scare me
103. I can’t stand BET and how ignorant it makes black people look
104. I spent way too much money on people for Christmas this year
105. It was good seeing my dad’s family, but their really dysfunctional and I can see why he is the way he is.
106. I often put on a front to appear more likeable than I really would be otherwise
107. I look forward to his emails everyday because they make me smile
108. I hate talking on the phone because I never know what to say
109. People who can’t think for themselves aggravate the hell out of me
110. People who can’t do things for themselves (that are capable of doing things for themselves) aggravate the hell out of me.
111. I rarely put myself out there because I don’t want to be taken advantage of
112. I make a lot of sacrifices/adjustments for those I care about
113. I’m not really a fan of facebook, but in some cases it seems to be the only way to get through to people
114. I sometimes get revenge by guilt tripping people
115. I rarely remember any of my dreams
116. I live more in my own head than I do in reality
117. The most hurtful thing you can do to me is not to show appreciation for something I’ve done for you because chances are I put a lot of effort into it
118. I’m more verbal through email than I am in person…just ask Joseph
119. I usually don’t bring things to people’s attention that bother me until I’m at my breaking point as far as patience.
120. I eliminated about 10 of these because they were too specfic to certain aspects or people in my life.